My Writing

2008-09-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

Body of Work

Peter Ehrlich’s New Bedtime Fantasy

2008-09-01T17:00:00.000-07:00

By Peter Ehrlich

I want to talk about my newest, ongoing, “driving me forward” sexual fantasy. This twisted new fantasy is the new fuel that has launched me to join yet another dating site and contact virtually every single woman between the ages of 42 and 52. I can go to any dating site now and know the bio of most Toronto women right down to their astrological sign. That’s how passionate I feel about doing whatever needs to be done to live out this perverted dream.

Are you curious to know what the fantasy is?

I thought so, so with no further ado, here it is: A good woman, lying beside me in bed, in flannel pajamas, toes touching, heads propped up - reading together in silence.

(Ah yes, to be comfortable in your silence together. There is no better barometer for your relationship. The wonderful, kind and insightful Michael Kaufman once told me that - www.michaelkaufman.com.)

Nothing these days is turning me on more than that image. I don’t “take care of myself” to the vision of the image, rather, I may let out a sigh, exhaled under the cool abyss of my blankets. After the sigh, I turn on my side to embrace the only thing I can embrace - my pillow.

Sick eh? I’m a young baby-boomer. My sexual formative years happened during the golden age, a time before HIV, when every girl and they were just girls back then, was on the pill. Evolutionarily speaking, that time came and went in the blink of an eye. But I was in smack in the middle of it, acting out my fantasies like I was a young Caligula, but with a good heart. Back then, my penis made almost all of my life-decisions for me. I’m still playing catch-up.

What happened? I got older. I did. Two of The Beatles have long since passed and there’s no need for another notch on my bed.

A long time ago, I watched lonely, divorced, isolated detective Al Pacino pull up beside a hooker and ask her to get in. She then asked him what he had in mind. “I just want you to sleep with me”, and he handed her one hundred dollars. She was dumbfounded of course, but CUT TO: the hooker awake, spooning Al, who was fast asleep in a fetal position.

I remember what did Commodus told Lucilla in Gladiator when he was watching her son sleep; “He sleeps well, because he knows he is loved”. I never forgot that moment. And so, Al Pacino could finally sleep well. It mattered not that it was a hooker, all women, and I mean all women have a serious nurturing side that begs to be appreciated.

I’m in the mood to sleep well too now. I didn’t care back then. I do now.

My son Noah, nineteen, not only left the nest, but he’s trekking around in Chile and Costa Rica with his girlfriend. The bedroom I built for him stares back to me in mocking silence. His only presence is manifested by the maps of Chile on the wall so I can follow his wanderings from 5,000 miles away.

I never understood why the elderly fed pigeons. I do now.

I never understood the notion that as you got older, “companionship” becomes more important. I do now. It’s the stuff that we who have trod so many miles deserve and require to be happy.

I can go no further with this column without puffing out my chest to remind you, and myself, that when the primal calls for it, this Satyr is still enthusiastic about answering the siren call, to gallop on to fulfill said equestrian duty. But my “performance menu” for an evening’s festivities and frolicking must now include “comfortable in silence” moments and that’s new.

There was a time in my single fatherhood where I could revel in my celibacy. That era is over with now.

Now it’s time to revel and live out my new bedtime fantasy - lying in bed with a “partner”, in flannel pajamas, toes touching, heads propped up, reading a good book, comfortable in our silence.

I feel so human today.

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In Defense of John Edwards

2008-09-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

By Peter Ehrlich  

For many years I’ve had this fantasy - to climb Mount Kilimanjaro with my teenage son. Climbing this iconic African mountain with Noah would be symbolic in that I would be passing the torch to my son. He would start the climb as a child-man and summit as a man. And as we stood on the top overlooking the Serengeti Plains far away below, we would embrace in loving desperation, the culmination of every mile we ever walked together as father and son. My fantasy mirrored the immeasurable depth of love I have for my boy.

John Edwards lived my dream with his beloved first born son, sixteen year old Wade. They summited Kilimanjaro together. Actually, Wade got there first, while his dad John was vomiting not far behind. I imagine John Edwards was feeling much the way I want to feel when I get to the top with my son-euphoric, a love so strong it could tear his heart away.   

Soon after their climb, Wade Edwards died; on the way to the family beach home when a gust of wind swept his Jeep off the highway. His passenger was unscathed.

Edward’s extensive revelations about Wade during the 2004 presidential race came in his book, “Four Trials,” in which he described the loss as “the undercurrent of my life.” That’s an eloquent way to put it I suppose. Personally, this primitive would simply say, “my son was my whole life and now I don’t care about anything anymore, or whether I live or die now.”  

On paper, through the lens of the camera or by the wearing of Wade’s Outward Bound pin, the public message attempted by Edwards after his son’s death was clear; the family will prevail, I will prevail and we will move forward along with America.

  But was that too much to hope for? Yes, obviously it was.

I remember reading this 1991 story about a hunter who shot his son by accident. Gene Bulak, 41, and his son Michael, 18, were on the road, riding in their new pickup to a hilly stretch of land fifty miles south of their hometown of Taberg, N.Y. Michael was supposed to be waiting for the deer on the hilltop, but he left his post and his father killed him instantly by shooting him in the head.

Bulak kneeled over his dead son’s body crying, “Mikey, Mikey, my baby.” A moment later, father and son were lying side by side, their faces virtually obliterated by their wounds. Bulak had committed suicide. Loading his son’s shotgun with a spare shell from his jacket pocket, he had knelt down on one knee and placed the barrel under his chin. Bulak was a tractor-trailer driver. He hauled copper wire. And that’s how I suppose most truck drivers would respond if they too killed their first born son. They’d kill themselves.  

But John Edwards wasn’t a truck driver. He was a politician, and politicians don’t carry the necessary salt of the earth DNA to be able to commit suicide. But, they can do something else to alleviate the pain they imagined they could conquer for the sake of career. They can commit political suicide. And that’s exactly what Edwards did.

  If you’re a parent, on the rare but consistent occasion, you’ve allowed yourself to imagine what you would do if your child died. We delve into this twisted dark fantasy so we may see the light and count our blessings.  

What is your image? This is mine. If my son died, I would burn my house down with everything in it. I would rid myself of every possession but the essentials. I would then beg, borrow and steal every cent I could, jump on a steamship and begin walking across the nearest desert, not caring if I lived or died. In order to go forward with my life, I know I would have to try giving up at least once and damn the consequences or whoever got in my way.  

Like John Edwards, I wouldn’t have the guts to kill myself. But whether I was conscious of the fact or not, I have no doubt that I would invent my own version of what would be tantamount to creating my own personal scorched earth policy, and destroy something I had built while sharing my life with my son. It seems like the right thing to do, to give something up you once felt you deserved. In Edwards’ case it was his marriage and political career.

After your first born dies, is anything sacred anymore? Ask yourself, if your first born died at the age of sixteen, would you really give a shit about anything anymore? I wouldn’t.

  Dear John, yes, what you did was wrong. But I understand. I really do.

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Time For John Edwards To Be Single Dad

2008-09-01T15:24:00.000-07:00

By Peter Ehrlich

There is a way back for John Edwards but it’s going to take courage and commitment.

Mr. Edwards needs to step up to a microphone and announce to the world, in a clear and unequivocal voice, that he is determined to take on the role and responsibilities associated with being the single father he truly seems to be.

According to press reports, a secret DNA test proved he was the father of the baby he fathered with Ms. Rielle Hunter. And if you look at the baby’s face, it’s obvious - Frances’ father is John Edwards.

I remember looking at a photograph of John Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth renewing their vows and I thought, what a joke, because John Edwards is exchanging vows with the wrong girl.

Instead he should making a vow to Frances that, in consensus with her single mom, Ms. Rielle Hunter, he will take care of her as her father for the rest of her days.

Edwards is committing the ultimate sin at this moment. He is abandoning his child, and as I wrote previously for Single Dad Life, there is no excuse not to be involved. No man who abandons his child has the right to hold public office.

He has chosen to put his daughter into that great abyss of a black hole that is the final and unavoidable destination of all children who do not know where their father is.

Edwards has the resources and resolve to take care of his new daughter. He merely needs to call upon both to do the right thing.

As for his wife Elizabeth, according to her book she “begged” for fidelity. Well, it’s time for her to take responsibility for this relationship. If you have to “beg” for fidelity going into a marriage, let’s face it, he’s just not that into you.

And the fact that he cheats on his wife, while she has cancer is further proof that John Edwards doesn’t really want to stay married to her. His renewal of vows was a photo-op and that’s all it was.

I would have a lot more respect for Mrs. Edwards if she put forward the proposition that every child and I mean “every child” needs to know who their father is and have consistent contact with that father.

As a mother herself, she should understand that she needs to give John permission to do whatever it takes to see that that happens. For example, “why not invite Frances over to stay the weekend with us?”

Their marriage was likely finished years ago. They stayed married for his political career and their children.

But we wise single dads know, you don’t stay married for the children. In the end that only hurts the children, because children are uber-perceptive and all they witness and learn is how to conduct a loveless relationship.

Mr. Edwards, it’s time for you to step up to the plate, declare yourself the single father you are and undertake the responsibilities that come with the most wonderful job in the world - being a dad.

Do that and you have a chance at having a political career again, because you will have shown Americans that you’re not a deadbeat dad, you’re someone who took responsibility.

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Teens and the 'home haven' hypocrisy

2008-02-08T13:57:00.000-08:00

Are teens truly welcome to use our homes as safe havens?

By Peter Ehrlich

Most parents offer the same adage to their teenage children, that “their” home is their unconditional safe haven, the one and only place in the whole big wide world where they’re always welcome.

But if that time-worn homage was turned into a legal document for a parent and child to sign off on, I would suggest the child read the fine print first.

Why? Because too many teenagers are paying the price for their parent’s often own unsafe, peculiar, unrealistic or irrelevant set of values.

It’s these so-called values, the very kind that have resulted in Toronto’s own unfortunate lazy branding – “Toronto the Good” that make up the fine print that is resulting in disenfranchised teens.

Too often, too many teenagers are told not to actually bother coming home if they’re:

· Late

· Stoned

· Drunk

· Plan to bring their girlfriend or boyfriend home with them

· Plan to bring a platonic friend home with them who is compromised as well – e.g. late, drunk or stoned

In other words, don’t bother coming to the “unconditional” safety of your own home if you’re practicing the fine art of being a normal teenager; of attempting to find your way in the world, however clumsily.

Don’t bother coming home if you’re exploring and pushing your teenage boundaries or trying to do something to accommodate a testosterone or estrogen level that’s thirty-times higher than it was one or two years previous.”

What is the societal price we are paying for putting conditions on a teen’s ability to come back home?

Too many Toronto teens are:

· staying stoned at school as a way of dealing with their parent’s unrealistic teenage social contract – much the way a drunk needs to drink to ward off their own demons.

· ending up in the local police station at night because they weren’t allowed to come home and instead were caught doing something their own parents could have prevented from happening by taking away conditions for their safety.

· ending up “bunking” at their friend’s house on the floor on a school night because they were locked out of their own home.

· having sex in laneways and other grotty, filthy places, getting pregnant together because condoms aren’t at easy reach, but their relentless sex-drive is.

Wouldn’t it be better to allow sexually active teens to practice their own sexual truth in the safety of their private space in their home? They’re going to find a way with or without your permission. Why not give it, with conditions, and provide the safe haven they’re entitled to?

Tragically, there are the extreme examples of how some Ontario kids have paid the ultimate price for their parent’s self-focused home- haven conditions.

I don’t want to write up the specific stories of children who have died in some field or shapeless dark location, because it’s not worth the potential price of reminding someone who was part of the nightmare of the horror. For all intents and purposes, these parents died alongside their child.

If you believe that the one place your children should always find a safe haven is the sanctity and safety of your family dwelling, do your child a favour - forget the fine print, because there should be zero tolerance for your child’s safety.

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Respecting your child’s sexual awakening

2008-02-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

If you have a teenage son you may relate to my story. I happen to have an eighteen-year-old boy.

When he was fourteen, I began to find girl’s hair clips around the house. I didn’t give it much thought other than “isn’t that cute?”

At fifteen, on occasion I found a girl’s pink or light green sock lying around in the house. The homemaker dad in me simply attributed that to the notion that one of my son’s friends, a girl, got her sock wet, took it off and forgot it at our house.

He had no steady girlfriend and there certainly weren’t any sleepovers, so what else could it be?

Looking back, the hair clip and socks were the first sign that there was something in the air.

What was in the air? It’s called testosterone. And there was thirty times the level of testosterone in the air than when he was twelve! That’s a fact.

This morning I was sorting through the laundry, and — lo and behold — I found two girl's socks and a kind of ballet-dancing top.

Socks are one thing. I’ve had lots of women take their socks off for me in my time. Since I didn’t have a foot fetish, it was never a big deal.

I can’t imagine that my son has a foot fetish. I’ve seen his girlfriends and I can tell you, and I say this with all due respect, there’s no need to think about feet yet.

A top however is a whole other ballgame. A top like the one I found just doesn’t come off — it gets taken off. There’s a difference.

Recently, we had to move. My son said this to me; “Dad, I don’t care where we live, but your bedroom has to be far away from mine.” Because I listen to anything my son asks or says with uncompromised respect, I didn’t burst out laughing.

Then, when I was alone a few minutes later, the full implication of his request came home to roost.

What he was really saying was thus: "Dad, I plan to have sex both with myself and my friends who are girls, and I’d like to have the freedom to do so without wondering whether you can hear me."

Fair enough. Repressed sex is bad sex. And if you can’t let loose, it’s repressed sex.

Imagine if my son was your son and his message to you was reversed? How would you feel about this; “Dad, I don’t care where we live, but I’m a eighteen-year-old teenager and I want my bedroom to be as close you yours as possible.”

I don’t know about you, but if he said that to me, I would immediately be on the phone to a child psychotherapist. “Doc, you gotta help me. My son won’t leave my side. I think he may be asexual”.

Yes, it’s a scary when the first signs that your child is interested in or having sex emerge, but at the end of the day that’s exactly what we want for our children as they become healthy adults.

One could argue that — as long as our children are practising safe sex — we should meet their sexual awakenings with sighs of relief. We must respect and honour this, their greatest transition.

Not only respect it, but encourage it, and that takes courage.

The kind of courage it takes to go out a find a house where your new bedroom is “far away” from your teenage son’s.

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Encouraging creativity in kids

2008-02-06T12:48:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Oh sure, you and I might say we would love if our child turned out to be the next Paul McCartney or Alanis Morissette. But do we really mean it? If we did, we wouldn’t be saying things like this to our children, “Honey, I’m glad you love playing music, but you should focus on something that will get you a job.”

Sir Ken Robinson is an internationally recognized leader in the development of creativity, innovation and human resources, and was invited by the Outward Bound Canada to talk about how today’s “educational system is killing creativity.”

As a parent, I wanted to hear Sir Ken talk about the importance of the arts in education because I feel guilty, likely in the same way you do. As I watch my child’s journey through high school, I’ll admit to thinking, “Please be a university professor, doctor, dentist, lawyer or successful businessman.”

What’s so wrong about that is that my son is an amazing drummer. His drumming teacher told me that he has the potential to “go all the way.” Why can’t I easily wrap my head around the notion that it’s my duty to encourage his musical talent?

If ever there was a time in human history to encourage and develop your child’s artistic talent, it’s now. According to Robinson “UNESCO released a report that says more young people will be graduating with degrees in the next thirty years than ever before in history.”

“What does a BA mean anymore?” asks Robinson. “Not much. The MA has replaced the BA and the PhD will soon replace the MA.” He calls it “academic inflation,” and the result is that more and more people with degrees are “returning home to play video games.”

Robinson makes it clear that “Today’s educational system is based on academic ability — specific abilities that were required to meet the needs of the 19th century industrial revolution. Our children are having it drummed into their heads that if they don’t choose subjects that are most useful for work, they’re wasting their time.

“How many times did we hear, ‘There’s no point in trying to be a musician, painter or actor, doing what you like to do because you’ll never get a job?’”

The challenge, according to Robinson, is that “artistic creativity is buried deep.” It takes real commitment by both parents and educators to uncover it. So we parents really need to listen closely to the creative heartbeat of our children.

And if you’re thinking that maybe your child doesn’t have artistic talent, Robinson kills that excuse with this quote. “Picasso once said this: ‘All children are born artists, the problem is to remain an artist as we grow up.’”

Robinson believes this passionately; that we don’t grow into creativity, we grow out of it or rather that we get educated out of it.”

As an example Robinson tells this wonderful story about Julian Lynn. She’s a choreographer who did Cats and Phantom of the Opera.

She was hopeless at school. As a matter of fact, the school wrote her parents and said, ‘We think Julian has a learning disorder.’ (Now they’d say she had ADHD.) She went to see a specialist with her mother. And she sat on her hands for twenty minutes while this man talked to her mother about all the problems she was having at school.

The doctor then went and sat next to Julian and said “wait here we’ll be back.” As they went out of the room, he turned on the radio and he said to her mother, “Just stand and watch her.”

The minute they left the room, she was on her feet moving to the music. The doctor turned to her mother and said, “You know, Mrs. Lynn, Julian isn’t sick. She’s a dancer. Take her to a dance school.”

Her mother did just that and Julian reveled in the joy she discovered hanging out with people who were just like her — people who could only be happy if they moved.

She eventually danced for the Royal Ballet School and became a soloist. She founded her own dance company. She has given pleasure to millions and is a multi-millionaire. Somebody else might have put her on medication and told her to calm down.

And listening to Sir Ken, I now unequivocally encourage my son, the drummer, to march to his own beat.

To learn more, go to www.sirkenrobinson.com or www.outwardbound.ca.

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The importance of family meals

2008-02-05T19:29:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

On occasion, when I was growing up, a teenage buddy or I would dead-stop our ball hockey game or hang session by announcing, “I have to go home for dinner.”

First there was silence, then the reactions.

Reaction to this moment of teen blasphemy was divided into two camps; those of who came from “normal, caring families” and those who came from scattered, less caring families.

For those of us guys who came from families where our parents or parent made it their business to let us know that we mattered, we shrugged off the news as no big deal.

We accepted that family mealtime was a necessary, sacred tradition, like having to put up with crazy Uncle Danny at least four times a year.

For the boys who came from families where there was no such thing as the family meal, the reaction was a violent slam of hockey stick on pavement and mutterings underneath breath that soon turned into name-calling. The condemnation was usually, “What a wussie.”

We “wussies” never refuted the accusation. Maybe those tough guys were right. Maybe, deep down, we were a tad envious of those “ruffians” who had cast off every single responsibility to the family. Because, when they stop meeting with their families at the table, that’s exactly what children are doing: abandoning the family ship for the first time.

Looking back, I suppose we just felt lucky to have the family meal. We may have been called “wussies”, but we knew we had parents who loved us enough to provide us with boundaries.

And that essentially is what the family meal is. It’s the super glue that binds a family together. It’s “check in time.”

Once when I was driving in my car with my girlfriend, she said something that’s stuck with me: “You know what you do really well?” she asked. “You check in. Never does a lot of time pass without you asking me how I’m doing.”)

Well, isn’t that what love is? It’s about checking in, never getting so lost in your own world that you forget who you’re sharing the world with.

When I speak of the shared family meal, I am not referring to a special holiday broo-haa-haas like Christmas, Chanukah or Thanksgiving.

I’m talking about average week-day meals. Maybe, on any given Wednesday evening, it’s chicken with the skin on, green beans and a Pepsi.

It’s here, when the family effortlessly gives in to the moment of shared ideas, disagreements or howls of laugher or even silence that the reconnection is made.

At the dinner table, no “member” needs to worry about what they’re saying or how to say it. Family members seldom have to bring the proverbial destructive emotions of shame or guilt, feelings that often play too big part in everyday life away from the table.

This is why social scientists call the family meal a kind of “vaccine,” protecting children from the societal trench of darkness and pain that can so easily entrap them.

Experts in adolescent development say that it’s our teenagers who most benefit from the investment of family meal.

Studies show:
*that the more often families eat together, the less likely kids are to smoke, drink, do drugs, get depressed, develop eating disorders and consider suicide,
*that the more they eat together, the more likely they are to do well in school, delay having sex, eat their vegetables, learn big words and know which fork to use.
*the older the kids are, the more they need this protected time together, but the less likely they are to get it. (Maybe we parents think we’ve done our job. Or maybe it’s the damn technology, the cell phones, computers, iPods that is replacing the shared meal?)
*ethnic parents, often less educated, are more prone to insist on the family meal. It’s as if they want to fix what went wrong in their own lives. But you know what then happens? These kids are 40% more likely to get mainly A’s and B’s.

Breaking bread as a family is about civilizing our children, and teaching them their first life lessons regarding politeness and democracy. It’s not about food.

About five thousand years ago, an ancient Chinese King once said, “a society that does not know where it comes from, cannot know where it is going.”

Do you want to know where your family is going, because in essence, family is exactly that – a mini society.

Break bread together consistently and you’ll be that much likely not to become a family scattered to the wind.

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Big(ish) adventure travel means big father-son bonding

2008-02-04T19:09:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

“Noah, I’m going to put my foot on that rock and push myself up over the ledge. The rock is directly in front of you, so if it gave way, it would roll right into you. Can you please move over to the right?”

I looked directly into my son’s eyes and saw that he understood the clarity and importance of my message, our souls locked together in a tight, spiritual embrace. The message said “I love you”, it said “I see everything, every rock, every danger in front of you”. It said, “I am your father.”

My seventeen year old did as I asked, and when I saw he was out of harm’s way, I planted my right foot, took a breath and dug in, lifting myself over the final crop of rock before the reaching the top of the mountain.

This father-son scene recently took place on a mountain in the stunningly magnificent Emigrant Wilderness, just north of Yosemite Park, California on Highway 4, a couple of miles just west of the Sonora Pass.

My son and I were not on a dangerous climb per se, just a challenging and exhausting one where the natural elevation is approximately 11,000 feet. Though the mountain was only approximately 3,000 (fairly steep) feet high, we were 14,000 up in the air and I can tell you, each step was an effort.

But with each step taken, without anything being said, the bond between us deepened in a requited way. It wasn’t just dad choking and welling up inside again while my child wondered why.

Here, on this mountain, I sensed that he too was reveling in the sanctity, spirituality and pureness of the challenge; Father and son, stripped.

This wasn’t just another stroll outside of yet another Holiday Inn, rather, we were taking the “road seldom traveled”. We chose to test ourselves physically as father and son, as family.

Family means trust, and here we were, miles away from anyone who could help us, up in the clouds, in an environment that is better suited to creatures with four legs, not two.

(When we reached the summit, I acted like one of those gazelles you see in a National Geographic special while sharing a watering hole with the lions. In this case, it was dad’s noggin, nervously glancing around, making sure that a bear wasn’t interested in joining our expedition.)

Since we only had each other to depend on, our climb gave vital life and meaning to the word “trust.” We felt alive.

Experiencing family trust around the kitchen table is one thing, on the side of a big mountain, up in the sky, another.

The climb also defined, in a real and beautiful way, the passing of the torch and the further realization of my own mortality. It was a paradigm shift.

Until recently, the domain of “who took care of who” on a family outing was crystal clear. My job until our day on our mountain was for me to take care of my child.

Now it was my son who waited for me to catch up, lent his bigger paw to pull me up, who shouted encouraging words to a struggling and out of breath father.

Taking your child on an adventure that challenges is a delicate balance.

As a parent it is our sworn duty never to put our children in harm’s way. And the desire to protect is so powerful that it’s almost as though becoming a parent means giving up the right to die.

But there is something to be said for taking the sort of adventurous journey that tests the family physically and mentally in some way. The shared challenge with your child deepens your relationship, gives added meaning and weight to it.

In the desert of Nevada, we took a walk in 110 degree temperature, just so we could know what its like to feel a searing heat together.

In 2000, when I snorkeled with my son off the waters of Cat Island in the Bahamas, we developed a few simple hand signals so if one of us had to leave the water, or was in danger, the other would know immediately.

And when under water, again exploring a territory that wasn’t natural for us – because our feet aren’t webbed – nor do we have gills, the simple and silent hand signals entrenched a family love and affection more than words ever could.

My dream is to climb Mount Kilimanjaro with Noah, the last big adventure we take together, the ultimate symbol of father releasing child into the world. The climb is fairly safe, but it’s extremely difficult and often a painful journey.

But the reward of experiencing a family adventure “without logos,” is something all parents and their children should experience at least once in a lifetime.

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Single Dad: Get a plan, not a court date, with your ex

2008-02-03T19:04:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Gloria Steinem once said, "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off."

I know I've just pissed off some single dads who on more than one occasion have written me to tell me that it's "the feminists" who are responsible for their custody woes.

I never know what that means. You might as well say, "my mom bakes the best apple pie, but her elephant's muffler is about to go."

How does sexual equality have anything to do with the family court system? One notion that cannot be dismissed outright is the belief that courts and judges are gender-biased; that the system too often sides with single moms.

Are judges gender-biased? I decided to pose this question to two of them, both men.

Justice Harvey Brownstone of the Ontario Court of Justice sits at North York family court. He's been a family court judge for 13 years.

"We're not in the vengeance business," he told me "We are in the justice business and all we're concerned about is the best interests of the child. All judges have to take that approach. Parents have no rights; children have rights. Parents have obligations."

The problem with the family court system, according to Brownstone, is not that it's gender-biased, but that the system is ill-equipped to handle the complex psychological nuances associated with single-parent issues.

"Judges are not psychologists," he says. "People need counselling, need to learn how to communicate in a child-focused way. You've got to love your child more than you dislike your ex-partner. Your children need peace more than you need to be right."

And the criminal court system?

Harvey Salem has been a judge in that system for 17 years. "There is no gender bias," he states. " If a man calls the police and reports that he's been assaulted by his ex-wife, she will be arrested. Politicians have taken away discretion from police and crown attorneys."

He adds, "I only ever convicted 10 per cent of my cases."

Salem didn't look to convict the men who make up 98 per cent of all domestic assault cases. Rather, what he wanted was to "hear the accused apologize, and agree to go in for treatment."

If the perpetrator said those words to Salem, the charges were often dropped and he (or she) had no criminal record.

Here again, the implication is that the best interest of the child is paramount and having a father in jail is not in the child's best interest. If there is a bias, it is towards the rehabilitation of the accused.

Not all judges take that approach. There are kooks in every stratum of society, including the judicial community and that's another reason single parents need a good lawyer. They know who the kooks are.

Both Brownstone and Salem said the same thing: gender bias does not rule the court system; the best interest of the child does.

In the years I spent negotiating with my son's mother over access to our son at the Jarvis St. court house, (the late) Justice Lynn King never rejected any reasonable request I put forward.

I can understand if this column has pissed you off, but maybe it will set you free to do what you should be doing: reinventing your relationship with your ex while putting together a workable plan without using the court system.

It's in your children's interest to have a dad who is focused on their happiness, rather than (on the perception) that you got screwed.

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Give fathers more access in summer

2008-02-02T19:01:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Summer holidays are fast approaching and for many single parents, the long hot days of July and August cannot be anticipated without a certain amount of angst.

Access agreements often list April or May as the time when single parents must present each other with their "summer intentions" in term of access to their child.

I wish I could just say "summer plans," but that would imply unconditional mutual acceptance, and that seldom happens.

Why are summer holidays often a time when lines are drawn in the sand? For many single fathers, summer is one time of year when restricted access makes no sense. If a loving, competent father wants to spend a meaningful block of time with his children once in July and once in August, neither his ex nor the courts should interfere.

By competent, I'm talking about fathers who:

Want to be with their children, capital W.
Plan to create an intimate space of time with their children, without cellphones, BlackBerrys or computers.
Are willing to spend less time with their girlfriend if she doesn't already have an established relationship with the children.
Are willing to make creative vacation plans, even if finances rule out exotic destinations.

Dads know that there is no legitimate excuse for restricted access during the summer, no good reason they should be limited to one weeknight or every second weekend for a day and a sleepover.

From September to June many fathers accept the fact that it's probably wise that children shouldn't be shuffled back and forth on a 50/50 basis just for the sake of being able to say they have their children exactly half the time.

I accepted it. No matter how much I wanted the formula to be 50/50 from day one, when I was able to separate myself from my ego, I knew the best thing for my son was for him to spend 60 to 70 per cent of the time with his mother during the school year.

But summer offers fathers (and mothers) the opportunity to spend meaningful blocks of time with their children.

"Blocks of time." Sigh. Many single mothers don't quite understand how precious those words are to fathers who ache deeply for more access.

Too often, personal resentment gets in the way of allowing moms to truly understand a man's yearning (and natural right) to have meaningful access to his children in summer.

Please allow me to make it easier for you to plan your summer holidays. Single dads should have no less than:

Seven consecutive days and nights, once in July and once in August if the children are between the ages of 3 and 6.
Eight to 10 consecutive days and nights if the children are between the ages of 7 and 9.
Ten to 14 consecutive days if the children are between 10 and 13.
Children over the age of 13 should be allowed three weeks plus per month if they want that.

Children under the age of 3 may have a difficult time being separated from their mom for an uninterrupted week. In such a case, only both parents know what's right.

That said, a caring dad should have little problem taking care of a young child by himself for at least five consecutive days and nights.

Kids love summer. Summer means freedom. Don't spoil it for them by thinking you own them.

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Single parent genie gives you three wishes

2008-02-01T18:58:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Have you brought home two or three love interests to seriously meet and hang out with your child?

If "yes," read on, because your child's developmental well-being will likely start to be compromised after they meet your next.

A study out of Johns Hopkins University has shown "that a child who had experienced more than three transitions had more behavioural problems than those who had no transitions."

The research, funded by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, was published in the April 2007 issue of American Sociological Review and was peer-reviewed. In it, 2,097 children ages 5 to 14 had been studied since birth until 2000.

Behavioural problems mean delinquent behaviour, including skipping school, vandalism and crime.

The authors also observed that "children who experienced multiple transitions in family structure have lower average scores on tests of mathematics and reading skills."

That's a heavy price for children to pay for their parent's libido.

Think of the transitions our children have gone through just to get to today. First, your children (hopefully) got to experience the "happy family period." Then they perceived that their parents were falling out of love. That hurt.

Then they couldn't understand why their parents were less patient with them. Finally, "why is Daddy (or Mommy) moving away?"

Many times I have encouraged you (and myself) to go out and meet someone. But life's passion-swords are double-edged; its orgasms, sexual or not, carry a price.

The price of multiple transitions is heavy – a dysfunctional child who will become a dysfunctional adult, marooned on an island surrounded by stable people.

Most single parents know it's unhealthy for children to have unnecessary transitions, but not all.

There are still stories of parents bringing their kids on first dates. Unforgiveable. That's extreme, but over the course of a dozen years, it's easy to meet three people who will affect your children.

Life is fragile.

It doesn't take much to upset the balance – a wrong word, moment of infidelity or violence. We can easily create a situation that will result in a "forever haunting."

When we choose to bring a new person into the lives of our children, we risk the tipping of that delicate balance our children desperately need – defined by consistency and peace.

Why do children hide behind your legs when strangers approach? It's because they're children and strangers are strange by definition.

To go from hiding behind your leg, to meeting your new friend, to feeling comfortable, revelling in the company of, to never seeing again is an arduous journey and children rely on us to take them there with discretion.

When "we" break up with someone, "they" break up with someone. That combined with the back and forth, the lugging of their "stuff" is a helluva lot to ask.

The single parent genie grants us three (transitional) wishes. After that, we bite the bullet and revel in our celibacy until our children can create their own transitions.

Then we're free to make all the mistakes we still need to make on our karmic wheel.

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Empty nest hits single parents extra hard

2008-01-28T18:52:00.001-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

I find no sight more poignant these days than the remains of an abandoned bird's nest. It puts my life into perspective better than any other image, with the exception of my mirror. ("Did I rent my face out or what? Who the hell are you"?).

In a matter of weeks, birds build their nest, teach their children to fly, push them out, and from what I can gather, don't even bother saying goodbye.

My son is 17 years old. He's still my baby right? Wrong.

I know that if I were to throw him the keys to his own apartment he wouldn't hesitate to take them with a "thanks for everything, Dad. We had a lot of fun. I love you. Gotta go."

Once we've decided to give our children wings, we must give them the wings of an eagle, not a sparrow, so they can fly as far away as they want to.

When you're a couple and your child leaves, you still have your partner to talk, explore and make love with.

As a single parent, with no child to care for, no friend to crawl into bed with, we may think we are starting our life all over, but that's not true. Too much time has passed, too many lessons learned, for us to think living alone now will be as easy as it was when we were single in our 20s.

Back then we could afford psychologically to live alone and take the time to watch a spider struggle to make its way up the wall. Now that moment would hurt – a lot.

To thrive in the "emptiest nest years," we should force ourselves to be more daring. We need to consider a leap before we look, a proactive approach because we don't want to be a (single parent) boomer with too many regrets.

Here are a few suggestions how we can better survive the emptiest of nests:

Plan ahead. Don't avoid thinking about it because you don't want to face the fact that an empty nest is looming. How does that make you feel? What are you going to do when the time has come?

Forget making a long list of the places you still want to see. Choose one place and start there. Stone circles in Dartmoor with a friend? Just do it.

For years you encouraged your children to keep practising so they would become proficient at that something. Now it's your turn. J.K. Rowling said she contemplated suicide while a poor single parent as she suffered from depression. Then she wrote Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Why not you?

If you're aching for intimacy, find someone worthy, because you're officially out of excuses. And you can now have sex without worrying about your child popping in.

This may sound horrific, but would it be such a bad thing to move in with another single parent in a similar situation? (Great sitcom potential!)

At the end of the day, single parent empty-nesters should recall Edith Piaf's courageous code of living: Non, je ne regrette rien.

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Good men step in to become dads

2008-01-24T12:16:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

My single mother collected bottles on Miami Beach for money. I know because she told me.

I was on Google Earth recently to learn more about that "beach-bottle" time. I had a frayed document with the Miami address. After I punched it in, I was beamed down to float right above our Miami apartment.

I hovered over the laneway that my mother had to have walked down to find her bottles. I stared at a great swath of sand at the end of the laneway, sharing the pain, shame and poverty that my mother must have felt.

We eventually fled back to Montreal, where we first lived in one room with my grandparents on the Esplanade and then finally to our own flat in Outremont, where I played in the mud and gravel behind the building.

When I was 5 years old, I told my mother, "I want a daddy" and a year later I was sitting on Gunther Ehrlich's lap.

She asked, "How would you like Gunther to be your father?" Without hesitation, I said, "Yes." When I found out we shared the same birthday, Dec. 6, the deal was spiritually sealed.

Until meeting him I had never fished, seen stars in the sky, walked in the woods or visited a zoo.

Gunther Ehrlich took me everywhere and introduced me to a new and beautiful world that I explored with unbridled joy.

He provided us with a real home, a life defined by cottages, lakes, hiking and fishing.

When we were not at the cottage, he took us on road trips to Vermont, Maine or the Adirondacks.

He taught me that travel is a great form of education and that the road less travelled is the best one, the place where one finds the greatest treasures.

For the first time I saw that men, too, can love and nurture and I was at last in the company of a man who "wanted" to be my father.

When my father said, "Here are the car keys," he gave me wings, allowing me to experience the joy of independence.

My mother died at 49 when I was 17 years old. I still needed him and he was always there for me. Without him I would have fallen through the cracks of society.

I now know the degree of love and commitment it took for this "magic-man" to walk into my life and take on the mantle of father.

Who is a man who "wants" to father someone else's children? He's someone who:

Sees past the notion that the only children worth loving are those created by his sperm and that anything else is less sacred.
Finds joy in giving to children because the torch he wants to pass on isn't defined by his last name, but rather the quality of love he feels a natural desire to impart.
Understands that love is an activity, that there's a reason children dance even when standing still. Children need to be active, have their heads stuck in everything good and beautiful. He makes this happen.
Sees life as a process and wouldn't deem a failed marriage a mistake. He gives a single Mom every opportunity to start anew and revels in the glow she radiates as she sheds the parched skin of a painful past.

He's a man who saves lives. He's also my father.

Thank you, Dad. I'll pass it on to your grandson.

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Boundaries needed between single parents and their kids

2008-01-24T10:12:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Recently I was in the living room watching my 17-year-old son and his friends smoke, drink, giggle and flirt with a bunch of stunning 17-year-old girls. I know they're stunning because my own ageless 17-year-old heart, trapped in this adult body, tells me so.

When I talk to these young women I look straight into their eyes while thinking of something like, "Wow, cherries are only $2.99 at Loblaws."

My son's friends like me because we share some of the same passions; we all love '70s music.

It is not unusual for the bunch of us to jam and sing songs from the Stones' Exile on Main Street – teenage boys and single dad singing; "Gimme little drink, from your loving cup." Even though I know it has nothing to do with a cup.

Recently, for the first time ever, one of them called out to me, "Hey Peter, want to have a smoke with us?" (There is no chance anyone would call me Mr. Ehrlich.)

My 17-year-old heart snapped to attention but my single dad brain slapped it back down. "What the hell are you thinking?" I asked my heart.

My heart replied, "But you're all such good friends, why not?"

"Because, I am not truly their friend; I am my son's father and his friends' father figure." My heart sat back down in quiet resignation.

The fact is, this single dad is "single dad seeking" at the exact same time my son is "single son seeking" and that causes a blurring of the lines, even if I am seeking something romantic and lifelong.

It's so easy to blur the relationship line between single parent and child when your kids become preteen or teen. Easier because we hang out with our kids much more often than we with do our ex.

I asked Dr. David Wolfe about the importance of "boundaries" in the single parent-child relationship. He is the RBC Chair in Children's Mental Health at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health.

"There is nothing wrong with saying you're friends with your child," Wolfe says, "but as an adult, not on the same level as peer friends. Boundaries are required.

"Children want us to be parents. Parents need to stick to their generation so their teenage children can have theirs – their clothing, hairstyle and music."

"Moms shouldn't be making an effort to run out and try to look like their daughters, getting a navel piercing or whatever, and men 50-plus shouldn't be hanging out in muscle shirts.

"Social drinking is fine, but that means sharing one drink at home."

I'll be wearing sleeves more often this summer and, after talking to Wolfe, I was reminded of the importance of lines in the sand, being a friend to my son while staying the course as the father figure he needs me to be.

I have no plans to stop singing "Loving Cup" with my son and his friends, but now I'm going to leave the room shortly after the song ends.

Our character is defined by our will. My heart may be 17, but my old soul is not. If single dad is lonely, he needs to find his friends elsewhere.

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White Teeth and School

2008-01-23T23:16:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Even in war, there are rules of civilized engagement. Men in suits gave these rules a great brand – the Geneva Conventions. They represent the bottom line on how people should behave in war.

No matter where you and your ex are at this moment, there are non-negotiable child-related issues that you must immediately come to terms with, regardless of your relationship, politics or court agreement.

It is necessary to reduce the cacophony to the essentials, aside from the most important, being loved; I'm talking about straight teeth and school work.

We all want our children to do well in life. Maybe we single parents want it just a tad more because we often feel so guilty about what we have "chosen" to put our kids through.

I say "chosen" because I am a big proponent of taking ultimate responsibility for the relationship choices we have made in life.

Like it or not, we have chosen every moment with our ex. George Costanza put it another way: "It's not you, it's me." And if Bill Clinton were a single parent, the sign on his wall would be, "It's not the court, stupid, it's me."

Our children need straight teeth and a successful school experience to have a decent a shot at having a good life, and not one nanosecond of single-parent garbage should get in the way of that.

Teeth are an ultimate physical bottom line. You can be the Hunchback of Notre Dame and still find a great job or launch your own business empire if you have a great set of white, straight teeth.

Whatever we have to do to ensure that our child could star in a Crest commercial if they wanted to, we have to do it.

If the access agreement states it's single Mom who has the responsibility to pay the dental bills, but she can't afford to, single Dad doesn't spend one moment fuming, swearing or cancelling any dental appointments.

Rather, you calmly foot the bill with no hesitation. If you can't, sell something, anything.

Quid pro quo. If single Dad can't pay, then single Mom pays in silence.

Unconditional teamwork is also essential in your child's school work.

Single parents must climb out of their respective trenches and find a way to meet in no man's land to be on top of their child's school progress.

For children to do the best they can in school, they should know that both parents are equally supporting their time and work there.

Against all odds, we single parents need to sit down with our kids together, present a unified front and calmly discuss how school is going and what we can do to help.

We need to meet with their teacher with our ex, listen, respond, and then meet with our children to pay the necessary compliments and offer constructive suggestions on how to improve their life in school.

White, straight teeth and a successful school life – our children can't leave home without them. It's our responsibility, no matter what.

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The Joy of Single Parent Sex - really

2008-01-23T12:41:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Talk about an oxymoron and a book title not yet found on any shelf: The Joy of Single Parent Sex.

Surely it's more relevant to single moms and dads to discuss the angst, court system, and the struggle to find a common ground with our Ex for the sake of our children.

Neither "single parent hedonism" nor "single parent sex" is found on Google. But "grandparents and sex" is. Up popped "grandparents caught in compromising position on the beach".

I take great delight in finding something positive in an unexpected place, such as when I was 13 and found a Playboy magazine tucked into Uncle Moe's bookshelf.

Years later, the unexpected place is the single parent home and the subject is sex.

Here is why I think there is joy in single parent sex:

When you're out on a date and the person opposite you looks as perfect as a hot cup of coffee on a Sunday morning before the kids are awake, you can both talk about how you love your kids and actually get turned on a little more because knowing your date or lover, like you, loves their children, is wonderful common ground.

There is little chance either of you is a swinger because a great single parent can't possibly have the time. And both of you will likely greatly appreciate the sex, as in "Thank you, Lord."

Because the interval between sexual encounters is likely to be months or (gulp), years, each time is, well, like the first time. There is no way any single parent is going to approach sex with the words: "Oh yawn, I have to have sex again."

And so, each roll in the hay, assuming the affection is mutual as it should be, is engaged in with great enthusiasm. You and your mate can bring your cellphones to the night table, both of you understanding it's perfectly fine if your sex is interrupted by a phone call from either the babysitter or your teenager who is drunk and needs you to pick her up.

Not only would such an interruption not be a reason to get angry with the partner who must put their clothes back on after finally locating their underwear buried in the bedclothes, but in no time – say, the next day – it would also be an anecdote to share a laugh about.

You can tell anyone – the most cynical people you know, even your parents – that you had sex and they'll be happy for you.

There are many reasons to be grateful for and inspired by your single parenthood. It can be a rewarding lifestyle, regardless of the fact that "woe is me" is too often attached to our current lot in life. (We'll visit those reasons in subsequent columns.)

But for now, it's summer, it's hot, you're hot, and every magazine out there talks about the joy of sex or how to have great sex.

I wanted to pay homage to the sex life of the world's fastest growing family configuration, single parents.

We know all about sex. None of us is a virgin.

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Shared activities essential for love

2007-12-27T18:34:00.000-08:00

But single parents, short of time, often rush headlong into doomed relationships

By Peter Ehrlich

Last year my New Year's Eve was spent with a wonderful woman whom I had known for only two weeks. We drank cold Californian white wine, sideways as a matter of fact, and ate oysters. It was a glorious evening with angels perched on each post of the headboard. I even asked one to "please pass me the water."

We also exchanged the words all of us spend our entire lives wanting to say and hear – "I love you." Single dad was deliriously happy on Dec. 31, 2006.

I wasn't so happy when we broke up four months later.

What happened?

Single dad (and the woman in this story, who is still a wonderful woman) fell for the "love is a feeling" myth, as Scott Peck described it in his landmark book, The Road Less Traveled. His position is that real love is found in shared activities.

This single dad had his own set of activities. "Wonderful single woman" had hers, and never the twain did meet.

Is it enough to be attracted by someone physically and have unlimited respect for their brain? Can you build a relationship just on those attributes?

No we can't, because they are passive.

Our activities define our values. Without similar values, single parent couples are doomed, both as singles and as single parents. Singles need to share values, single parents more so because children ultimately become involved in activities.

Single parents are prone to getting trapped by the "love is a feeling" myth because we are sometimes a tad more desperate than regular singles as a result of our time restraints.

(Young men who stalk yummy mummies know this.)

Often we rush things along as if our mating dance was in constant fast-forward.

How important is it to undertake "doing things" together to find out the truth about your relationship?

One couple I talked to, Scott and Julia said "We realized we were in love after we took a 30-day trip to a Third World country. We experienced hardship after hardship, threw up together and shared the Maalox bottle instead of fine wine. When we were still in love at the end of our journey through hell, we knew it was real."

Single dads and moms often sacrifice the "activity" as part of their courtship or search for common values for the sake of not wanting to compromise quality time with their children. This is a mistake.

Single parent guilt has turned too many of us into "single parent wussies," not having the guts to hand off our resilient kids in order to experience meaningful activity with another adult.

If you're serious about finding out the truth about your relationship with someone, drop your children off, sans guilt, and join a range of activities that define your values. You'll soon discover if you're a match.

If there's someone you're considering as a marriage partner, book a ticket to a faraway destination that will challenge you on the most basic levels. Better yet if you need to take malaria pills. When you arrive back at Terminal 1, you will know the truth.

If you don't care about the truth, that's fine.

Here's what I did on Dec. 31, 2007; I was alone, rented bad movies and ate marshmallows.

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Children bridge divorce's war zone

2007-12-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Lust. Love. Betrayal. War. Redemption. Peace. Sounds like an ad for your typical television fictional mini-series. It’s not. It’s my life-changing non-fictional journey as a single dad.

My ex and I separated and the subsequent result was her and I engaging in a fierce custody battle. A few couples can separate amicably. We could not.

When a mother and father fight over their child, the stakes always feel exponentially extreme.

Watch any nature program starring a mother bear and her cubs (children). Then picture yourself walking into the frame with the intention of approaching her babies. You’re not walking out unscathed. That’s motherhood.

Unlike male bears, evolved men are programmed to care for and defend their children as well. That’s fatherhood.

In a custody battle, it’s not about Venus and Mars. It’s about Venus and Venus - colliding.

And so, like lots of you, my ex and I fought - a lot. The hostility was always there. Whether on the phone or during the “handoff” we were like the two guards facing each other at the DMZ between North and South Korea.

Even apart, the silence of our war was deafening.

To steal a line from Apocalypse Now, my ex and I looked upon each other “with extreme prejudice”.

Then life threw me a magical curve. Here goes.

As per our Access Schedule, I went to my son’s school to pick him up. (My ex was the registrar.)

When I walked in, the entire staff crowded around me; “Suzanne didn’t come in today for work. And she never called in sick”. There was a look of deep concern in their faces.

With their words my body caved in. I knew my ex was in serious trouble. Suzanne was too disciplined to not call in. It was impossible. Something was very wrong.

I was stricken. There was nothing cerebral about my reaction. It was all from the gut. As Woody Allen says, “nothing worth knowing can be understood by the mind”.

I grabbed my son, jumped into the car, racing to her house.

I knocked. No answer. The door was unlocked, the house empty. I got on the phone and called her best friend, now nearly hysterical, “Ingrid, Suzanne is missing”.

She suggested I call the police and ask if an ambulance was sent to the address.

I did, and yes, Suzanne was picked up by an ambulance and taken to Mt. Sinai.

Speeding there, I parked the car in the first illegal spot I saw and we ran to her room.

There she was, her eyes lighting up at the sight of our son. She had a gall bladder attack. I slumped in a chair, put my face in my hands and cried.

A nurse came in and said to Suzanne, “see how your husband loves you”.

We heard the words but could not possibly acknowledge the great irony to each other. Suzanne saw my tears and silently absorbed them. The emotional benefit for me would be manifested another day.

The magic? I discovered a love for my ex. I loved Suzanne because she loved our son. Nothing else mattered. I discovered the ultimate bottom line, and by doing so, was freed from the shackles of “extreme prejudice”.

Since that day we have been civil towards each other, something our son loves.

It’s the end of the year. Maybe it’s a good time to look deep within ourselves to discover the part of our soul that understands, once you willingly have a baby with someone, there is always love - somewhere.

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Female Qualities Single Dads Should Look For

2007-11-28T18:01:00.001-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

OK it’s “Houston-we-have-liftoff” time; a new era is about to begin. You’ve lined up two dates: One is a woman from your favorite online dating site who calls herself "LUVS2KISS," and the other is a coworker who reminds you of an adult Pippi Longstocking.

You’re a single dad now and the days where you could order the wrong dish from love‘s menu without much worry for indigestion are gone.

You understand you need to be much more discerning now. As we discussed before, anyone you invite into your life as a from now on impacts your child in some way.

Discerning in this case means carefully considering the qualities to look for in the woman who may one day be part of your child’s life. To put it another way, it’s about shared values and qualities. That being said, here are some of the questions a proud single father needs to ask himself when evaluating the qualities of a potential mate.

Is she fun?

After Steve Irwin -- the Crocodile Hunter -- died, his wife Terri was interviewed on TV. She was crying a lot. The interviewer asked her, “What was it that made Steve the special person he was?” And I was struck by the simplicity of her response: “Steve was so much fun. He was so much fun to be with.” Then she broke down again.

There it is: The great priority and ultimate in life is having fun. It’s what keeps a relationship together. Did you forget what fun is? After all, with the breakup and the dividing of things, “fun” may be a distant memory. If so, try asking your kids; they definitely know what fun is. That’s why, whenever you ask them what they’re doing, their one-word reply is always “playing.”

That being said, when you’re meeting potential new partners, it is crucial you ask yourself, “Is this woman a fun person to be with?” Because if you’re just interested in a woman because she’s the sexy, stern librarian-type, but she has no idea what fun is, she may not be the one for you or your children.

Are her friends child-friendly?

So let’s say you’re on date No. 2 with Sue. Sure, you didn’t laugh much on the or find much in common with her, but you don't care: Sue has great breasts. Sue suggests that “it’s time you met my friends,” so she arranges for the both of you to visit them this coming Saturday.

Sue also suggests that she pick you up so you don’t have to worry about driving. She pulls up in her rusty 1978 Ford Pinto, a car you would never dare to place your child in.

You climb in and after 20 minutes of agonizing silence, it begins to dawn on you that not having anything to talk about is really bad.

More qualities single dads need in a woman

Eventually, you pull up to Don’s Trailer Park. Sue is excited, you not so much. After the pothole, you drive up to “Trailer No. 17,” where -- seated on frayed lawn chairs and dressed in sweatpants -- are her friends.

Her friends can’t rise to greet you because they’re too drunk. What makes that even more off-putting is that it’s 11 in the morning. Cheryl is Sue’s best friend, she can stand, but accidentally hits you in the face with her cigarette butt when she goes to shake your hand. Your goatee is on fire and, for obvious reasons, you start thinking that her friends may not be right for your children.

Is she patient?

You’re sitting together having a wonderful, conversation, sipping on a latte, completely oblivious of the world around you. And then it starts: The child three tables away from you two lovebirds starts talking loudly and everything comes to a stop. Sure, the child having an animated conversation with herself is not a problem for you -- just like you know you can’t change anyone, you can’t stop a child from being a child. But quickly now, you look over at your date and get a sense of her reaction to the interruption. What? There’s a frown on her face? Not good. She’ll frown at your kids for the same reason when they dare to take time away from her.

Is she childlike?

So, it’s date No. 2 with Margaret. You know, the date that followed your first get-together during which a chemical explosion took place on your shirt when the waiter placed the chow mein in front of you.

Margaret suggests going to the Maple Sugar Festival that is taking place at Kane Conservation Park. “Wow,” you say to yourself, because that’s where you regularly take your daughter. So you go and have a childlike blast together.

And you know what the best part was? The moment your date spilled her maple syrup all over the front of her shirt and laughed her head off -- just like your daughter did all those years ago. Except, this time it’s sexy. This time it’s a turn-on.

We all have an inner-child in us, lots of us have forgotten that, but the right woman for you hasn’t.

Is her body a temple?

One thing being a single dad does is remind you of your mortality. It’s that “passing-of-the-torch” thing, I suppose. So, in the end, you’re careful about what you eat. You read the ingredients on the side of the box and drink lots of water. You’re not only doing this for you, you’re doing this for your children because you want to be strong and healthy for them.

So if your body is your temple, but your date keeps suggesting a restaurant that specializes in bright red chairs, sharp tables and waitresses that keep their pens behind their ears, it’s not a good sign. After all, if you decide to test the family thing by breaking bread together with her and your children, you won’t want to cringe when you do.

Affection is a quality single dads should find in a woman

Being outwardly caring is one of many qualities single dads should find in a woman

Is she flexible?

Why did you think “Romanian gymnast” when you read that heading? Well, probably the same reason I did when I wrote it. But let’s get our mind out of the gutter, you understand how flexible you’ve had to be as a single dad: Plans have often had to be changed on a moment’s notice, a couple of times you had to pick your child up from the expected sleepover because she changed her mind just before bedtime and twice now you had to run her to the emergency room for stitches.

If you had been dating during those child-centric days, the only plans you probably had to cancel consisted of FHM or downloaded videos produced by Ron Jeremy

Since you know that being a single dad will always mean that the unexpected will be the expected regardless of your child’s age, you need to ask yourself, "Is the woman I’m dating a flexible kind of person?" Because if she’s not, she’s not going to understand when you have to cancel intimate bed and breakfast plans to take care of your daughter who decided it was a good weekend to start throwing up.

Is she affectionate?

You or hug your children whenever you can (or did) because they’re the ultimate symbols of love and affection. With this in mind, does the woman you’re dating feel the same way about affection as you do? If you’re the kind of single dad who considers kissing and hugging to be important, you’re not going to resonate with someone who doesn’t.

Why bother thinking about introducing her to your offspring if kissing and hugging isn’t a language she speaks. Your children won’t “get her” because they speak that language, the one you taught them so well. And besides that, they’ll always feel sorry for you when they watch the two of you “not kiss.”

is love an activity or a feeling?

The question above comes right out of the popular book, The Road Less Traveled. What makes any relationship work is the commonality of the things the partners do together. You can talk about the feeling of love until you’re blue in the face, but what do you do to manifest that feeling?

Remember single dad, when you want to show your children that you love them, you do things together. So I ask you, do you and the woman you’re seeing like to do the same things? I’m only asking because if you get in deep with her you will be doing things together with your children. If she doesn’t enjoy doing what you all enjoy doing, you won’t be doing much together in the future. Hence, the road will be much less traveled.

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Single-Parent Sex Dos and Dont’s

2007-11-28T18:00:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Congratulations! You, the Renaissance single dad met a fabulous single mom. The coffee date -- with all that smiling and laughing at each other’s jokes -- was a supreme success. Then you went to a movie together and were turned on by the fact that you both like extra butter on your popcorn. Finally, you both took the giant risk of chewing food together over a dazzling new white tablecloth and she loved the way you took control of the wine list.

As you are two single parents who know a lot about how to make the most of your time, your date immediately accepted your invitation to “come visit” after dinner. You didn’t even have to come up with a reason, such as, “I have this great collection of African masks.” As a single parent you’ve learned the value of getting right to the point and, as such, you had no problem with simply being honest and asking her if she’d like to come in. She accepted your straight-forward invitation -- the for a woman is honesty -- and now you know that you’re going to have sex.

Just as the single-parent lifestyle is different from the regular singles lifestyle, so are the dos and don’ts of single-parent sex. Here is my list of recommendations.

Don’t: Assume she’s a desperate single mom.

Do: Assume she needs you to go slowly.

Women are better at certain things than men are, and turning off the “sex tap” is one of them. I’ve heard of women who have turned this tap off not for months, but for years. The last thing she wants is for you to come on like gangbusters and not consider that she might need to start slowly. Just because she agreed to have sex with you doesn’t mean she agreed to rush it.

You have everything to gain by being patient and letting her take the lead. You have everything to lose by showing her from the get-go that you’re not tuned into her body rhythm and that you don’t care about her feelings.

Don’t: Assume she wants to hear about your ex.

Do: Assume she wants to be the only woman in your mind.

Even though you both have exes, the bedroom is no place to discuss past angst. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you will turn her on by mentioning your ex in a less-than-positive light. She only wants to know that, at that moment, in your bed, you only have one woman on your mind -- her! In fact, she wants to feel like she’s the first woman to ever be in your bed. Get it?

Don’t: Assume you need to be a great experimental lover.

Do: Assume that it’s back to basics.

Oh, aren’t you the fancy-schmancy lover boy? And so progressive too! You know all about the best vibrators on the market -- the ones that guarantee you’ll hit her G-spot -- and you’re totally up to speed on the newest warming gels that make winter lovemaking more comfortable. OK, I give you credit: Toys can be a great addition to your sex menu for many reasons, including the fact that sometimes it’s just fine for a vibrator to give you an extra hand.

What should you do if you’re interrupted by the kids and how should you handle contraception?

But don’t assume that your single-mom lover wants to get fancy from the get-go. Again, get a sense of where she’s coming from. Do you have the basics down pat? Have you kissed a lot? Are you able to tell each other what you like? And have you actually become friends? Toys require trust -- and you know darn well that you need to be friends before you can trust.

Don’t: Assume your sex won’t be “intercourse interruptus.”

Do: Assume that the children -- hers or yours -- come first.

You’re in the middle of getting great head. She likes you so much that she has really been taking her time with you and you’re almost there -- so close. But then Murphy’s Sex Law kicks in: Her cell phone, which she discreetly placed on your night table, rings. Your lover doesn’t hesitate to answer. Your penis is now fluttering in the wind, not at half-mast, but at no mast! Why? It’s the babysitter. Your lover’s son cut his finger and needs to go to the emergency room for a stitch or two. So what do you do? Do you show a nanosecond of angst or disappointment? Not on your life, my friend. Instead, you say, “Baby, that’s OK, I understand. Your son always comes first. I completely understand.”

Aside from the fact that it’s the right thing to say, there will be a huge payoff next time around. It’s likely to go something like this: “Now where were we? Oh yes, I remember now. I guess I’ll just have to make up for last time.” She’ll make your mast one that Russell Crowe in Master and Commander would be proud of.

Don’t: Assume she wants to be a single mom again.

Do: Assume you should have condoms.

I don’t think I need to explain anything here. I will, however, add this: It never hurts to have a medical document in your drawer that shows that your recent STD tests are immaculate. She’ll feel much more relaxed about what’s coming next and love you for being so responsible.

Don’t: Assume that single-parent sex needs to be serious.

Do: Assume that it can be a lot of fun and playful.

There’s something unique about the relationship that a single parent has with their child. It’s so focused and one-on-one simply because you’re often their only home-based playmate. The positive aspect of this is that your child has taught you one of life’s most important lessons: Life should be fun and it should be about “playing.” How many times have you asked your child, “What did you do today?” only to hear that one-word reply, ”Play.” Take their lesson to heart. As a single parent you know how important it is to play, so play with your sex life and have fun!

get back in the game

Sex as a single parent can be stressful at first, but you'll get back into the swing of things in no time. Just remember to relax and enjoy yourself.

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Telling your child that you've met someone

2007-11-28T17:59:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

I can recall the moment in crystalline clarity: I was pushing my grocery cart at my local supermarket and I was heading to the single-parent broccoli section. And I remember mumbling these exact words: "I'll never kiss another woman again. I'll never make love to a woman ever again." I might as well have been telling that I could not foresee any situation where I'd ever be with a woman again.

For years, like many of you, I was merely the great single-dad provider for my child with no love life whatsoever. And so, my daily habits were just that I only had to focus on my work and provide a quality life for my son, and at the end of the day ,I crawled into my bed for an animated chat with my pillow. That's it, nothing complicated.

But that situation changed for me in a heartbeat when I. And if my love life can change in a nanosecond, yours can, too.

Now, you might not meet someone online, but you may suddenly crash into the shopping cart of a beautiful woman who isn’t bothered at all by the impact -- despite interrupting her as she sniffs the back end of a cantaloupe. (By the way, her melon-shopping habits are a good sign in relation to her bedside inclinations.)

Or, perhaps after 106 coffee dates, you finally find someone whom you can envision saying “I love you” to, a statement that may be difficult to fathom in your moment of singledom.

All swords are double-edged. And if we do suddenly meet someone new and the relationship seems to have some glue, as responsible single dads, we know we have to be prepared to talk about our new situation with the most important person in our life -- our child.

Meeting someone when you’re a single parent is tough, but it might prove to be a cakewalk compared to telling your child that you have met someone. Along with your child’s fear of being replaced, you’ll also have to contend with his/her fear of potentially having an evil stepmother. Such fears are, from an adult’s perspective, unfounded, but to your kid, they are completely legitimate and need to be addressed. So, how do you tell your child that you’ve met someone? Here are some suggestions, along with some, to help you on your way.

tell your child about your new “friend”

Be candid with your child

If it’s a nice, feel-good story, don’t be afraid to tell your child how you actually met your lady friend. When you paint a nice romantic picture, you are, in some way, teaching your child that romance is important and something to be treasured. Reciting your story may also cause your child to appreciate your honesty, which is a language that all children speak.

Inquire about your child’s feelings

Ask your child how he/she feels about the fact you’ve met a new “friend.” Chances are they will be happy for you. A well-loved child is an empathetic child. Our children want us be happy and they know better than anyone (hopefully) that being hugged and kissed is something everyone needs -- even dad.

Reassure your child

Remind your child that he/she is, and will always be, the most important person in your life. No one and nothing will ever change that fact.

Prepare your child to meet your new love interest Propose a potential meeting

Honor your child and show him that you believe that he has the maturity to handle the situation. Make flexible (i.e., no promises) future plans and suggest that “when the time is right, perhaps we can arrange a get-together.” Whatever you do, don’t rush the situation. It’s better to take your time and play it safe. You don’t want to get your child emotionally involved with only to see the relationship dissolve and watch your child’s heart break when you split up.

Prepare your child for the introduction

Tell your child what you like about your new friend beforehand. For example, you could show that your new interest has a sense of humor and likes to have fun with a conversation that might go like this: “You know what Alison said to me today? She said something really funny. She said that I walk like a monkey.” Doing so prepares your child and it makes it emotionally easier for the time when they do meet her. They will meet her with a sense of established trust, and children understand the language of laughter.

Maintain family traditions

Don’t start canceling family traditions because you’ve met someone. These traditions are very important to a child, and they are what have the most positive impact in their lives. Not only do children remember these traditions for the rest of their lives, but they are likely to pass on to their children the very same tradition-torch that you or your parents invented. Don’t screw with family traditions, though you can include a new participant.

Ask for permission

If you have teenage children, ask for their permission if you want a “sleepover” at your new friend’s house. Assure them that if you are away from the house, you will have your cell phone with you, and that it will always be turned on should they need to contact you.

the key to a child’s happiness

Clear and consistent is so important for our children. To feel safe, loved and appreciated, they need to know that no one is going to come into your life and take you away from them. Give them that respect, and they’ll always be happy that daddy found love again. Isn’t that what you want?

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Relaunch your love life

2007-11-28T17:58:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

There was a poll recently that asked single parents how their love life is going. It did not suprise me to see that 55% of single parents said they were "about to give up" or "gave up"!

After all, being a single mom or dad means our one brain and two hands does the work of two brains and four hands, or put another way, we’re busy.

But single parents should never be too busy for romance and intimacy because it makes us happy and being happy makes us better parents. If you don’t believe me, ask your children if they like you better when you’re happy.

It takes work, stamina and courage to love again. As a single parent you’ve likely gone through a challenges you have no intention of repeating. What with the agonizing process breaking up, actual break up, custody agreement and division of things, it is normal that you want to pause before you leap into the romantic fire.

And pausing doesn’t mean being paralyzed by fear and not moving forward. It is likely you know yourself better now and with that comes an enhanced understanding of the kind of person you want to meet next.

You have the wonderful opportunity to meet someone who is empathetic to your situation, loves children and accepts you as the terrific “package” you know you are – nurturing person, parent and lover.

Never feel guilty about your primal need to search for love because ultimately we know we can’t function normally without it. No one can. And whether you know it or not, your child(ren) are quietly rooting for you. And if they’re teenagers, the rooting may not be so quiet. Our chid(ren) want us to be happy and the reason is clear. We’re better parents when we feel liked by someone, loved by someone, touched by someone, human.

I remember a co-worker named Irene, a single parent, bounded in last week with a big grin on her face. I knew she went out on a third date with a guy the night before so I suspected they may have taken things to a next level.

I was right, because at lunch, in between bites of tuna on brown she divulged to me from how her handsome date, Gian-David, proud owner of real biceps, pecs, soccer-player legs and a thatch of thick black hair ordered wine, to how he seemed to know where every magic place on her body was. Actually, he showed her spots she didn’t even know she had. And best of all, he made of point of telling her how he admired her for what a wonderful mother and lover she was! For the rest of the day Irene just seemed a little happier to be in the office than the rest of us.

Of course, the world is also easier to navigate post-orgasm.

We single parents challenge ourselves every day to be the best parent we can be. We give, give and give some more. But when we feel it’s time for us to “get”, we need to put away the regret and guilt, throw our shoulders back, walk tall and make it happen.
We’re wise enough to know that nothing worthwhile such as re-launching our love life just comes to us. It takes work and stamina and if that means getting out and joining up with like-minded people or turning on our computer to join that online dating site our friends are suggesting, it may just be time to do exactly that.

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Father's role has evolved

2007-11-28T17:56:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Like most Baby Boomers I occasionally like to reminisce about my childhood when Sunday night meant Walt Disney and Ed Sullivan, a time when I wasn't yet a slave to my testosterone.

When I want to time-travel, I use YouTube.com. It quickly puts me back in front of my old plain brown TV set, the one with three channels.

My favourite family-oriented shows were Andy Griffith and My Three Sons. Oddly enough, these shows were about the trials and tribulations of being a single father.

Looking back, I don't think Andy or Fred (MacMurray) ever said "I love you" to their children. Neither can I recall seeing those single dads hug or kiss their children.

And Batman, custodial father to Robin, was also pretty stiff. But he's not the best role model anyway. That duo kept getting lowered into over-sized vats of sulfuric acid.

I watch those dad now, with their starched shirts and approach to being loving and demonstrative, and wonder: were dads really that way and if so, why? This Beatles- and Stones-raised single dad who still cranks up Hendrix's "Axis Bold as Love" sure doesn't resemble them.

Dr. Michael Kaufman works internationally as an educator and consultant promoting gender equality with the United Nations, governments, businesses and schools. I asked for his take on how the nature of being a single dad has changed: It "mirrors the amazing and rapid changes in how we define manhood and how we define our priorities as men,'' he says. ``There are fewer and fewer guys who see their worth only in bringing home the bacon (or should that be tofu?).

"Both women and men realize that a nurturing, loving father can play an important role in the lives of children. Both women and men want men to play a more active role in all parenting activities. There is only one job that men are bad at, and that is breastfeeding."

Personally, I think of the kick-ass single moms I know and they want to have a rich and satisfying work life. That takes time, and the only way for them to achieve it is to hand off some of the work associated with parenting.

I know lots of single dads and I cannot recall one of them complaining to me about the hand-off. It is a natural paternal yearning that compels them to want to spend as much time with their child as their ex gets. Dads today want their time. And if they don't, then shame on them for their selfishness.

If he is a solid, attentive, loving, responsible guy, and the child is old enough to accept the back and forth or "wants" it, then let's allow the child's feet do the talking, the universe to unfold as it should.

In the past 15 years, we have witnessed the onset of a golden age in how single dads take on the challenge of being one. They are involved, connected and demonstrative. I can tell you, after the lawyers it's not easy to stare into your child's bedroom with resigned melancholy and not see children. It's painful to bear witness to toys that mock the single dad in their silence. But they go on. They dust themselves off and go on.

Happy Father's Day, guys.

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It takes a dad in the village to raise a child too

2007-11-28T17:55:00.002-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

They say it takes a village to raise a child. That is true, but fifty per cent any village is made up of men and a good percentage of those guys are daddies.

I don’t think anyone would disagree with the primal assumption that fathers need to play a part in raising their children. If they all got up and left their children alone in the village, it would create a river of tears.

The women would be crying not because they feel sorry for themselves, but because they know their children are in pain. Good mothers are incapable of seeing their children suffer.

But the mothers in the village can only cry for five minutes because they won’t have time to figure out how to be a single mom. It’s more like “abacadabra, I have to be a single mom now for the sake of my children and fill in as the father the best I can”.

The children will be crying because they’ll think it’s their fault their dad left. They can’t possibly understand how he could abandon them to the lions, tigers and bears. It goes against everything that is natural and right. And they’re 100% correct of course.

Unfortunately it seems some men in the Village of Toronto (Huron word for “place of meeting”) don’t “meet” their children often enough or at all.

Why is that? Research is unequivocal that few fathers abandon their children voluntarily. Most fatherless children result from fathers being forcibly separated from their children by the court system.

I’m not going to open that can of worms here. Not yet. It’s too big a can. But I will say this; the family court process of determining who should have the right to see the children and when can be a horrific one.

I can understand how some of you fathers feel you can justify not being part of your children’s lives, however misplaced the thinking is. You may feel:

the legal system has left you exhausted, broke and cynical so what’s the point?
you got screwed by the courts, getting too little access to matter, so what’s the point if you show up at all?

that since your Ex met another guy and he seems to have assumed the father role, what’s the point? (This cannot happen unless you want it to. Your children will never replace you, even if you see them but one moment a week, because YOU’RE their father. Blood is blood. There’s only one condition. You need to be a good, loving father to gain your child’s loyalty.

There is no excuse for not playing a big part of your children’s lives and deep down inside your naturally good heart you know that.

Your children need you so they can be the best well-rounded, happy person they have the right to be.

And how else are they going to know how to choose a loving partner or create a requited relationship in the future if they’re missing fifty percent of their role models?

Regardless of the shit you’ve gone through, you have to climb up high on the mast, stick your face into the teeth of the hurricane and scream, “you call this is f@%#ng storm?!”

Your children deserve your courage.

There’s an old Hebrew expression and it goes like this: “Whoever saves one life, saves the world entire”.

If you’ve been away from your children for too long, there’s still time to save them (and yourself), and consequently, make our world a better place. There’s no excuse for anything less.

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Single Parent Hedonism

2007-11-28T17:55:00.001-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

For single parents, summer presents the only opportunity in the year to be a tad hedonistic.

Of course, being hedonistic is relative.

If you're young, single and childless, indulging in drugs and sex and rock 'n' roll is not only natural, it's expected. When I heard John Tory joined the Conservative Party at age 15, I was not only unimpressed, but something inside of me wanted to visit him, put my arm around him and ask if he wanted me to take him out and show him the real world.

And if you're a parent with a partner, just having the partner is hedonistic. Imagine, at any given time Mr. Happily Married can call out to Mrs. Happily Married, "Hey Babycakes, can you give me some help?"

The best single parents can hope for is that some friend pops in at exactly the right time. "Jim, will you pour that tomato sauce in that pan so I can get that proposal out before Zack comes down for lunch?"

In summer, when the kids are away, single parents can play and we have the right to find time to indulge in hedonism sans guilt.

We suffer enough guilt from September to June, à la why couldn't I keep the family together, or I regret that my child has to go back and forth, or, the drop in my household income makes me feel like a loser.

We can put that crap away in summer and employ the George Costanza approach to single parenting – just do the opposite; there's nothing to feel guilty about.

Before I started this article I Googled *importance of me time* and got 76,900,000 hits. Then I Googled *importance of me time, single parents* and got zilch, so I know I'm onto something new.

(I suppose if I Googled *single parents, hedonism* I might get the first "negative" number in the history of Google! If Google had a voice it would say to me, "Man, not only does it not exist, like, you're on another planet".)

Here are the first steps to rediscovering the hedonistic self:

Proclaim your alone time as Single Parent Hedonist Week or Day. Go to the mirror and say, "I'm better looking than I think."

Acknowledge that your dog or cat likes you only because you feed them and that it's time to relate to another human being who may want to lick you because of who you are as a both a parent, person or lover.

Ignore all child-related mess and visit places you would go if you were single; Yorkville, where the beautiful people hang out, or visit the new ROM and ignore the dinosaur bones.

Acknowledge that although you often enjoy being a single parent, that's not the same thing as enjoying being single. Maybe it's time to head to Indigo and split your time between looking at the book covers and flirting with the other sexy people looking at the book covers.

(Hey, I have an idea for a movie. A single parent's child is away for a week and she meets a great guy, falls in love and has passionate sex for the first time in years.)

It's summer and your children are thrilled because they once again have the opportunity to do anything they want. What a concept!

I'm suggesting that we, too, have the right to practise what our children already know – that it's okay to think only of what's in it for us, at least for one week in the year.

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Single Parent Brain Cloud

2007-11-28T17:52:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

In the movie Joe Versus the Volcano starring Tom Hanks as Joe Banks, Joe is stuck in a dead-end job. His office is a concrete bunker. He feels weak and cowardly for not doing better in life.

He goes to his doctor who tells him he has an incurable and fatal condition called a "Brain Cloud," but he'll be fine for a few months.

An eccentric millionaire hears of Joe's predicament and comes to him with a proposal: The people of the Pacific island of Waponi Woo need a human sacrifice to appease their gods. Why not live like a king for a few weeks, then throw yourself into a volcano?

Joe agrees, because he sees this as the last opportunity to prove he can do something meaningful with his life.

Single moms and dads suffer from "Single Parent Brain Cloud" (SPBC), but it's not fatal and you don't have to jump into a volcano.

SPBC is caused by the following:

Years of baby-talk in the sandbox without the benefit of a partner to give you a break, so we've played in sand twice as long as a married parent.
Exhaustion from sparring with your ex.

Reading only People magazine, and only at the checkout line.

Dreaming, when it gets dark, only of bed.

Lack of buzz below your belt.

SPBC begins to run its course when your child or the last of your children turn 10.

At around that age, children leave your legs to do what you will soon be doing – discovering their selves. The result of the independent child is the medicine that cures Brain Cloud and puts your grey matter on standby for its "second coming."

How can we take advantage of the fact that our synapses are ready to snap again?

Do you feel passionate about something? A successful friend once told me that if "you study something for 24 hours, you know more about that subject than 99 per cent of everyone."

Becoming an expert at something you feel passionate about means you're likely going to be successful at something and make money.

Maybe you want to finally become a writer. It's easy to get published now because you can publish yourself.

Launch your own website and start writing. Visit wikispaces.com and launch tomorrow, or find an inexpensive designer and use the inexpensive and reliable godaddy.com to host. (Feel free to write me for contacts and details.) Invite 50 editors to check out your website and land your column.

Write and create your own television show. Go to blogtv.com and produce yourself. I have a friend who set his show up in his son's bedroom. The suits behind blogtv are considering giving him his own show on Slice.

Find another single parent and launch a business selling something you believe in.

Choose a "cause" or charity that causes your heart to swell and volunteer. Volunteering is a great way to set yourself up for paid work in the future.

Remember the word "hobby"? Why not rediscover it or take up a new one and become an expert at whatever it is.

Do what Seinfeld always longed to do – read a book from cover to cover.

Download Google Earth for free, land on a tiny island in the Pacific and learn about it. Buy a metal detector and find a shoe buckle on an old Slave Plantation on Cat Island. I did.

As certain as the fiery passion of Haley's Comet, we can once again have a brilliant and rewarding new phase in our life return to us.

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The Benefit of Mediation

2007-11-28T17:51:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Breaking up as a parent can hurt for a lifetime because, for the sake of the children, your ex will likely always play a part in your lives.

What does "for the sake of the children" mean? As Toronto mediator Joan Sinclair told me, "Children instinctively believe that they are the embodiment of both parents."

And it's true, they are.

When parents fight, children cannot fathom the uncivil civil war raging in front of them. Their DNA is your DNA. They don't spend time hurting themselves – why would you?

Single parents need to take every opportunity to create family peace. One way is to consider avoiding the adversarial court system and use mediation.

Family mediation is defined as having a third neutral party listen to your stories and guide you both through to an understanding.

A good mediator can move you from the past into the present and future, and set you on a course that is not focused on you as a couple but rather on parenting – and that benefits the child.

A simple mediated agreement is created when both parties can come to a quick understanding and have their lawyers vet and approve it. This will cost approximately $7,000 – $5,000 for the mediation, plus a minimum of $2,000 in lawyer fees.

"Transformative family mediation" is used when parties want to begin forgiving each other and start to co-operate in raising their children. The children may be asked to participate in the mediation. With legal fees, this will cost approximately $10,000.

Hiring only lawyers and battling it out in court will run from $20,000 to seven figures.

Somehow, I think it would be better if that money was put into a registered education savings plan for the kids.

An experienced mediator can almost always predict a court outcome, as in, "Look, I know you think you're really getting screwed by your ex but at the end of the day, this is what's going to happen."

The Chinese sometimes say retreat is the best form of moving forward. (See the I Ching, Number 33.) In this case, it's true.

With a mediated settlement, you can sit down with your children and say, "Your father and I have worked out this agreement." The benefit of presenting a unified front cannot be underestimated – not to mention the aid it offers to healing and moving on.

Is there a drawback? Yes, if your partner is a domineering force who relishes the imbalance. He or she could end up controlling the mediation process, so at the end of the day the agreement is a written representation what's wrong with your relationship.

Ask yourself, "Would I do better in court where I can have a savvy lawyer fight hard for me because I can't trust my ex?"

Insofar as choosing the right mediator for you, you have every right to interview a mediator much the way you would a doctor or lawyer. Do you like their approach and feel you can trust them? Are you comfortable in the room together? If it's a referral, do you trust whoever made it?

Research shows that mediated agreements stick because the couple takes pride in the fact they co-authored it and are therefore more apt to work harder on making their new relationship work.

To find a mediator, ask your lawyer, doctor or friends or go to adrweb.ca, or contact the Ontario Association for Family Mediation at oafm.on.ca.

Consider taking the high road; it's the road children prefer to travel on.

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Single Father Democracy

2007-11-28T17:49:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Just as I was beginning to think I was alone in the universe, a single dad who takes care of his child 24 hours a day, seven days a week, I find out I'm not.

Statistics Canada's newest census report states, "between 2001 and 2006, lone-father families rose 14.6 per cent, more than twice the pace of 6.3 per cent for lone-mother families." This is good news.

I say "good news" not out of any disrespect to single moms, but rather as an affirmation of Canadian family democracy in action. According to the same report, sole custody of the kids was given to the mom less than half the time (47.7 per cent).

Want some perspective? In 1980, the mom received sole custody 78.2 per cent of the time.

Let's consider the big picture: families, children and democracy.

It's impossible for a solid dad to hear the term "sole custody" and not get freaked out emotionally – not a great way to set the stage for a lifetime of dialogue and co-parenting with your ex.

If the child is doing well, looks forward to spending time with dad, talks about him with enthusiasm and laughter, it's not important that he broke up with you, was a jerk about it or even that he cheated on you or took up with a younger woman. What is important is how the child benefits from his contribution.

Why have single dads so embraced this new spirit of parenting? Society has changed because it needed to change.

With single moms taking their rightful place in the workforce and handing off parenting duties to men, it didn't take long us to realize that, "Hey, I love this fathering thing."

If the old "man badge" was the 60-hour work week, the new one is defined by the hours spent showing we love our children by doing things with them.

All men have a feminine side and being single dads allows us the best outlet for it. It makes us feel whole and offers us a new and evolved way to express ourselves emotionally.

These new feelings seem so right to us, because they are right, and so we are propelled to want to take up the greatest role possible in the single-parent household.

Cynics will say that men battle for access so they won't have to make monthly support payments, but I can't believe that's what's driving the numbers associated with increased "dad participation" in the single-family household.

Instead I believe that what's happening is a manifestation of all that is good and natural – fathers need to be involved big time.

Don't believe me? Ask or watch your child. They are the walking truth.

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Lonliness

2007-11-28T17:47:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

How many times have we spent 45 minutes in a video store, only to walk out with nothing but a cloud over our head darker than the one we walked in with?

Lots, I bet. Write me and tell me I'm wrong.

Often, spending Saturday night alone again because our children are away from us and we are lover-less, the only thing we end up renting is a deeper depression.

On a recent weekend this single dad realized that he goes to the video store as much to be with other people as to rent a movie. How pathetic and lonely is that?

I also admit that what propels me to go food shopping is not a hunger for food but rather a hunger to be with other human beings. I'm starving for company.

The woman behind the fish counter serving me snapper must wonder why I'm so bloody friendly; to the point of complimenting her on the layout of the fish on the ice.

I don't need to see a psychiatrist for this evaluation – I'm lonely.

Loneliness is part of the single-parent journey. We have only ourselves to depend on, seldom have anyone to touch us and when our children are away we are forced to gaze upon toys and clothes that haunt us by their stillness, bedrooms that feel more like mausoleums than places of joy.

As single parents we're likely to feel like failures even though we accept that the universe unfolded as it should. But don't most of us feel that we failed our kids in some way?

Feelings of rejection and failure can fuel loneliness and create a cycle that can take over our lives and get in the way of being a good parent because we know that parenting should be practised with a smile.

Not taking steps to alleviate our loneliness can easily result in our lives resembling a German minimalist film that Dieter of SNL's "Sprockets" fame would enjoy presenting, or something the late Ingmar Bergman would have enjoyed directing, a film that would make The Seventh Seal feel like a Marx Brothers adventure.

Here are some steps we can take so our lives better resemble the ending of It's a Wonderful Life:

Get a pet. (I don't have one but because my last two girlfriends gave their pets equal space in the bed with me, there must be something special about them.)

Take a cue from your children – invite another single parent and their child(ren) for a sleepover.

Find someone who needs your kindness and offer it.

Get out your photo album. A recent scientific study showed that nothing, not chocolate, sex or booze, lifts one's spirits more than looking at happy pictures.

Go to Lush, buy a Sex Bomb and throw it in your bath. If you're not going to have sex, at least you can say you were prepared.

Put away the drugs, not because drugs are always a bad thing, but they are a bad thing when you're not feeling good about your life.

Exercise a lot. It solves so much.

Accept the path that brought you to this column.

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Does your Ex still own your soul?

2007-11-28T17:46:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Mr. Paul McCartney, you may want to refer to this column one day, because Ms. Mills doesn’t seem like she’s inclined to make peace with you!

I recently received a heartbreaking email from Paxton, a single father. It was a long letter, detailing every example of anger, pain and frustration he suffered at the hands or lips if his exe.

I won’t go into the gory details but you know the drill; screaming at him in front of the children, not showing for her designated access and threatening him with court action if he didn’t “behave properly”. (That’s code for “if you don’t parent exactly the way I parent, I’m taking you to court”.)

Paxton didn’t just send me an email. It was his Manifesto of Pain.

Paxton explained that this toxic relationship has been going on since they separated. In other words, though he left the relationship because he fell out of love and was tired of the fighting, the separation didn’t help at all. He was in just as much pain as ever.

He “wished he could escape and find peace but as long as she “was who she was, he would have to keep fighting”.

That’s too bad, because exes seldom change.

Single parents can be killed emotionally and physically by 1,000 mental paper cuts if they don’t know how to detach, cut their (perceived) losses and walk away.

Single parents who are determined to always engage in battle every time the gauntlet is thrown down are never truly “single” parents.

Paxton isn’t divorced from his ex; rather, he is divorced “to” his ex.

If you're going to divorce someone you really should get the benefit of disengagement spiritually or you might as well stay on the payroll, bury any pride you have in the back yard and accept your permanent address as 123 Pain Street.

When I read part of Paxton’s email to a single parent friend of mine she said “she still owns his soul”.

We all ache for peace. But if we choose to battle for what we think is right, we won’t find it. Instead, your choice to “always” respond will keep you rooted in a parched desert under a black sky.

When we meet and court a new friend and lover, we know when it’s time in the intricate mating dance to step back to listen to the silence. This allows us to better understand our feelings, to better know what next steps to take.

When married, couples need to find time to detach to find their centre again. That’s why Kahlil Gilbran said this; “Let there be separateness in your togetherness”.

As a single parent, it is more essential to know when to retreat from battle to find your core, for the sake of your child, yourself, and yes, even your exe.

If we want to be a happy, fulfilled, self-sufficient single person again, we need to do a good job at picking our battles, being able to leave the darker side of our soul behind us.

Next time your exe roars or turns ugly, quietly turn around, walk away, perhaps with child in tow, say, “let’s talk when we’re calm” and feel proud you had the wisdom to retreat and save your child that day.

And to Paul, after time has passed and you sense Heather isn’t about to stop baiting you, pour yourself a hot cuppa and think of three simple words. Let it be.

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Trials and tribulations of family court

2007-11-27T12:40:00.000-08:00

By Peter Ehrlich

Winston Churchill once stated, "It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried."

That's rather how I feel about the family court system. It is not perfect, but in ways it meets societal expectations.

As a single father, I have faith in the system. And if you knew the pain and anguish I suffered in the halls of Family Court, you would know what an incredible statement this is.

I have faith, even though I found out it's true that courts favour the mother.

There are, however, valid reasons for this.

For a judge to agree to a 50/50 split, he or she has to be convinced the relationship between the parents is solid. This doesn't often happen.

The fact is, if you've been with someone for 10 years and are separating, for all intents and purposes you've been breaking up and suffering for three. By the time you get to court you're not going to say, "Hey, darling ex, want to go for a burger and a shake after we're done here?"

If the judge doesn't believe that your post-breakup relationship is truly amicable and therefore you're both likely to return to court, she or he is going to favour the mother for custody for practical reasons. (The judge doesn't want you coming back. Court battles compromise the emotional stability of the child.)

What are these practical reasons?

Usually it's the father who heads out to work while the mother spends the first few months with the child. She then either continues to stay with the child or sets out to co-ordinate daycare and is involved in the child's early life that way.

Consider the child's natural affinity to the mother – the baby lived inside her for nine months and then spent another eight or so attached to her breast.

There is a reason that a dying soldier's last words are "Help me, Mama," and not Dada.

If the father is the primary caregiver, he won't disrupt that, either. The courts are largely gender neutral.

While I have faith in the system, single dads who deserve it still have to build a case for meaningful access. It's easy to become angry and depressed when loving and committed fathers have to prove they are just that. And sometimes women are so bitter about the breakup, they forget about the welfare of the child and go out of their way to make it difficult for the well-intentioned father to build his case.

In the United Kingdom, senior judges are considering reforming child custody legislation so that if a single mother refuses to let the child have anything to do with a father who is proved to want and deserve access, she should be ordered to hand over custody to the father.

I would like to see that considered in Canada.

By the same token, if fathers are neglectful, unloving, angry parents, to the point that the child is worse off by being in his company, they should lose access until they can prove they are worthy.

It's beyond me how anyone could not love their children and try, despite everything, to act in their best interests, but that's a subject for another day.

The family court system is, in fact, good government, but like any other government, it can be improved.

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