By Peter Ehrlich
Congratulations! You, the Renaissance single dad met a fabulous single mom. The coffee date -- with all that smiling and laughing at each other’s jokes -- was a supreme success. Then you went to a movie together and were turned on by the fact that you both like extra butter on your popcorn. Finally, you both took the giant risk of chewing food together over a dazzling new white tablecloth and she loved the way you took control of the wine list.
As you are two single parents who know a lot about how to make the most of your time, your date immediately accepted your invitation to “come visit” after dinner. You didn’t even have to come up with a reason, such as, “I have this great collection of African masks.” As a single parent you’ve learned the value of getting right to the point and, as such, you had no problem with simply being honest and asking her if she’d like to come in. She accepted your straight-forward invitation -- the for a woman is honesty -- and now you know that you’re going to have sex.
Just as the single-parent lifestyle is different from the regular singles lifestyle, so are the dos and don’ts of single-parent sex. Here is my list of recommendations.
Don’t: Assume she’s a desperate single mom.
Do: Assume she needs you to go slowly.
Women are better at certain things than men are, and turning off the “sex tap” is one of them. I’ve heard of women who have turned this tap off not for months, but for years. The last thing she wants is for you to come on like gangbusters and not consider that she might need to start slowly. Just because she agreed to have sex with you doesn’t mean she agreed to rush it.
You have everything to gain by being patient and letting her take the lead. You have everything to lose by showing her from the get-go that you’re not tuned into her body rhythm and that you don’t care about her feelings.
Don’t: Assume she wants to hear about your ex.
Do: Assume she wants to be the only woman in your mind.
Even though you both have exes, the bedroom is no place to discuss past angst. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you will turn her on by mentioning your ex in a less-than-positive light. She only wants to know that, at that moment, in your bed, you only have one woman on your mind -- her! In fact, she wants to feel like she’s the first woman to ever be in your bed. Get it?
Don’t: Assume you need to be a great experimental lover.
Do: Assume that it’s back to basics.
Oh, aren’t you the fancy-schmancy lover boy? And so progressive too! You know all about the best vibrators on the market -- the ones that guarantee you’ll hit her G-spot -- and you’re totally up to speed on the newest warming gels that make winter lovemaking more comfortable. OK, I give you credit: Toys can be a great addition to your sex menu for many reasons, including the fact that sometimes it’s just fine for a vibrator to give you an extra hand.
What should you do if you’re interrupted by the kids and how should you handle contraception?
But don’t assume that your single-mom lover wants to get fancy from the get-go. Again, get a sense of where she’s coming from. Do you have the basics down pat? Have you kissed a lot? Are you able to tell each other what you like? And have you actually become friends? Toys require trust -- and you know darn well that you need to be friends before you can trust.
Don’t: Assume your sex won’t be “intercourse interruptus.”
Do: Assume that the children -- hers or yours -- come first.
You’re in the middle of getting great head. She likes you so much that she has really been taking her time with you and you’re almost there -- so close. But then Murphy’s Sex Law kicks in: Her cell phone, which she discreetly placed on your night table, rings. Your lover doesn’t hesitate to answer. Your penis is now fluttering in the wind, not at half-mast, but at no mast! Why? It’s the babysitter. Your lover’s son cut his finger and needs to go to the emergency room for a stitch or two. So what do you do? Do you show a nanosecond of angst or disappointment? Not on your life, my friend. Instead, you say, “Baby, that’s OK, I understand. Your son always comes first. I completely understand.”
Aside from the fact that it’s the right thing to say, there will be a huge payoff next time around. It’s likely to go something like this: “Now where were we? Oh yes, I remember now. I guess I’ll just have to make up for last time.” She’ll make your mast one that Russell Crowe in Master and Commander would be proud of.
Don’t: Assume she wants to be a single mom again.
Do: Assume you should have condoms.
I don’t think I need to explain anything here. I will, however, add this: It never hurts to have a medical document in your drawer that shows that your recent STD tests are immaculate. She’ll feel much more relaxed about what’s coming next and love you for being so responsible.
Don’t: Assume that single-parent sex needs to be serious.
Do: Assume that it can be a lot of fun and playful.
There’s something unique about the relationship that a single parent has with their child. It’s so focused and one-on-one simply because you’re often their only home-based playmate. The positive aspect of this is that your child has taught you one of life’s most important lessons: Life should be fun and it should be about “playing.” How many times have you asked your child, “What did you do today?” only to hear that one-word reply, ”Play.” Take their lesson to heart. As a single parent you know how important it is to play, so play with your sex life and have fun!
get back in the game
Sex as a single parent can be stressful at first, but you'll get back into the swing of things in no time. Just remember to relax and enjoy yourself.
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